Nice Guys and Jerks
Women - Page 2
I don't think that women are attracted to jerks, but they are attracted to men that illuminate power. Those type of men (powerful, strong and masculine) are sometimes jerks, which accounts for the confusion. The nice guy sometimes is not strong or powerful and that's what turns women off.
So in essence, it's not the fact that they are nice, it's that they may be lacking other attractive qualities that outweigh the niceness. Ultimately, I love nice guys that illuminate strength and masculinity. There is no better combination.
I got the e-mail about the nice guys vs. jerks. I'm totally for nice guys in a relationship, but when it comes to lusting or dreaming about a guy, it's usually the jerks, b/c most jerks have the nice bodies and have that something that's sexy about them.
I'm young and I have some great guy friends and they are thought by some girls to be jerks. I have found that these guys are extremely caring and are not jerks whatsoever. You have to get know people, you can't just take first impressions and stick w/ them because that jerky guy might be the sweetest guy and will take care of his lady for the rest of their lives.
I don't have a particular taste in men. I think if they are interesting people and can make me laugh I want to get to know them. So as far as your good guys vs. bad guys it's whoever the woman prefers. But if a guy is a jerk and he is older that means he hasn't matured much! And those immature guys will treat their ladies without any respect. And these ladies will need someone to take care of them after getting themselves away from such a horrible relationship. So guys have to be willing to open their hearts and minds and be flexible or else you'll never be able to hold the woman you always dreamed of!
So guys, don't wonder why we choose different types of men. We mature and figure out who we want to date and who we will date. You guys just have to be open-minded and deal w/ the fact that not all women go for the good guys and not all guys are good guys and not all jerky guys are bad-to-the-bone and not all good guys treat their ladies w/ the respect they deserve!
I just found your newsletter while surfing and couldn't resist a poll. I noted that with regard to the "Nice Guys vs. Jerks" question, most of your readers think women are attracted to jerks more than nice guys. If you ever do an article on the subject, it seemed to me apropos to clarify the facts that lead to that perception, as a woman who has dated more than my share of jerks.
I recognized some time ago exactly what I was doing... I was looking for a specific "character," for lack of a better word. It's epitomized by Judd Nelson in "The Breakfast Club," or by Elvis Presley in "King Creole" for your readers who aren't up on the 80's John Hughes phenomenon. Essentially, they're "bad boys with heart." I've dated guys who are nice - JUST nice, and I get bored after about three dates. "Bad boys" are much more interesting, of course, although it's not a wish of women that these guys are REALLY bad. Misunderstood would be a better word.
Check out the local oldies station for "Leader of the Pack" and you'll get the idea. A guy who's a troublemaker enough to be dangerous and daring and fun and keep life interesting, but who is a real sweetheart underneath. Hell, even when I was in 8th grade, I was much more infatuated with Jason Bateman's character on Silver Spoons (the best friend/next door neighbor who was always causing trouble to get attention from parents he thought didn't care) than Ricky Schroeder's... Ricky was so sweet he was saccharine.
The problem that I've run into, as I'm sure many women have, is that most of these "bad boys" don't seem to have the good hearts we seek. What you see is what you get. By the time you realize it, you may have been dating this jerk for a while. When you ditch him, it's "on with the search." For the same damned thing. This is where guys will get the idea that jerks get all the women. They see us in the process of the search. What they need to understand is that we're not looking for some nasty idiot; behind it all is the wish to find that guy who can be trouble to everyone else but nice to us. Just like Judd.
It's quite simple really... if a woman has a healthy approach towards life and herself, she will not get anywhere near a jerk! Women, and people in general, are only attracted to people who abuse them... abuse in any sense of the word whether it be emotional, mental, spiritual, physical... if they feel they deserve this type of treatment. Once someone realizes their own worth, they will not stand for any mistreatment!
Sorry, but it's no more true that women prefer jerks than it is true that men prefer bitches.
The thing is, the nice guys who are with a woman are not out there complaining that women don't like nice guys. The nice guys who are not with a woman will express their loneliness, in a nice way, from time to time. The jerks who are not with a woman never complain about it. They lie and say they do have a woman, or many women, or they don't want a woman. Nice guys don't lie like that.
The truth is that nice guys are alone from time to time. The truth is that there are plenty of people out there looking for the right one. Keep looking, you will find her.
PS. You are a guy, right, so looks are very important to you? Lets say you think you could not be with less than an "8". I know huge compromise is not possible, but just try to accept a "7" or a "6" perhaps. Women get a lot better looking TO YOU after you know and love them. Give it a try. If I had a brother and he was a nice guy, the above advice is what I would have given him.
I am a woman and about this issue I have 3 important words, CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE. Nice guys don't lose heart. You don't have to act "Jerky" or stupid. Just show confidence in your self because it's really very sexy. Once you do that you can steal your dream girl away from all the plain old "Jerks".
I know. For the past 10 years I've dated nothing but jerks, creeps, emotionally unavailable BOYS and MEN. The reason (by the way, I JUST figured out why I've been a loser magnet in the last few months) is simple. I was AFRAID of finding a nice guy because then I would have to allow him to actually see me for me. I would have to stick around and DEAL with real life issues. I would have to "temper" my temper and actually have a conversation with the guy!
I never knew how to communicate effectively so bad boy types were perfect. They didn't WANT to hear me! We never had to show one another the real US. They just wanted one thing mainly and I had such low self-esteem at that time that I discarded boundaries and let them have their way! How pathetic! I also was a stickler for LOOKS. He HAD to be tall, dark, light eyes, and gorgeous or I wouldn't even look at them. Most had drinking problems, were late, disrespectful and rude to other people in general not to mention cheaters and liars and thieves!
I finally WOKE UP, made a conscious decision on my 29th birthday to stop the DRAMA -- a lot of it is about drama and chaos -- nice guys seem boring when boring usually means stable and grounded -- and find a decent, respectable, trustworthy man. I did. About two months later. Now we live together and things are awesome. I will admit that at first I was so used to the drama that I sort of pushed him away. He was sooooo wonderful that I felt I didn't deserve his goodness. Now our affection for one another has grown tremendously and... the M word is a topic of conversation now.
I am a single, attractive, college-educated, independent 28-year old woman. I don't drink, do drugs, engage in promiscuous sex, or have children (or diseases), so by most people's definition I am "baggage-free", "pulled together".... and a NICE GIRL.
I can totally relate to what all those "nice guys" are talking about when they say they are routinely rejected for the way they treat women, because I get the same treatment from men! Men can't stand nice women! They find us prudish, arrogant, cold-hearted, and categorize us as a "goody two-shoes". To the average man, we are the very antithesis of sexiness and charm.... we're the kind of woman their mom would love them to bring home, and it completely turns them off.
My last two boyfriends dumped me because I was "too nice". They said they didn't have the moral strength to be with me. Am I supposed to take this as a compliment? Is this my cue to turn into a smothering, clingy, white-trash crackwhore because it might make me "more exciting"?
Sorry, but I would give my right arm to meet a nice guy. I WANT someone who's respectful, humble, modest, and dependable. I WANT someone who won't make fun of me because I like my parents. Boring is okay by me, because my life is not exactly thrilling, either. But frankly, I think the "nice guys" are looking for "bad girls".
"Women in their 20's love the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the guy who treats them lousy!"
Yeah, that is absolutely correct. I, being a woman in the 20 age bracket, love to have men only want me for sex. I only want a man who never returns my phone calls and would rather be out with his friends than me. Life isn't like some episode off of SEX IN THE CITY, not ALL women want losers and not all women like the chase. Why would a woman want a man that treats her like she is worth less than gold?
All I ever hear from my friends is "why can't men treat me better?" Well, maybe it's because men are made to believe that if they treat women like crap, then they will get somewhere. Too many times I have heard the frustration from both sexes. Men wonder why women treat them like dirt and act like bitches, and women wonder why men all act like jerks and treat them like garbage.
The reason for disrespect by a gender, can come from many sources: pain, hurt, fear and rejection. It is human nature to want love and commitment and unless people lack an emotional heart, then it is preposterous to think that any person wants to be sought after like a trophy.
The bottom line is that not all women in their 20's want to hunt and go for the kill, like some lioness. Women know that men are simple creatures and that they live off of sports, sex, and simplicity. Men on the contrary, know little about woman except the fact that we are complicated creatures.
By reading articles informing men that it's okay to treat women bad because: "the worse you treat these young women, the more their attracted to you," is a blatant statement. Telling the men of generation X and Y that it is okay to treat their future wives and one day mothers-to-be like garbage is ludicrous. Men do not need to listen to fraudulent claims. Not all women in their 20's love the thrill of the chase, most women just love the thrill of a good man.
Just wanted to email you and tell you my thoughts on the nice guy issue.
I date only nice guys. Most women want to date a nice guy. But men are being classified into two groups, nice or jerks. That doesn't cover the subject. People are more complex than that. Neither sex can be grouped into just two groups.
The "NICE GUY" is often a man who doesn't have a life. And neither sex is attracted to this type of person. A truly nice guy is hard to find. A true jerk most women don't want. I think we try to make people fit into a category instead of getting to know them. You can't always know what a woman wants based on another woman's choices.
I love a nice guy. To me nothing is sexier than a guy who has the guts to say he really likes me on a first date. And yes I do continue dating him! I must clear one last thing up "Nice guys do FINISH last" and I find that to be very sexy! He is the one I'll see again.