How to Destroy Shyness, Step-By-Step
Question from a painfully shy guy:
Hi Joe,
Your newsletters are wonderful. Hats off to you man.
The biggest problem I face is loneliness. I like this girl who lives in my apartment building, but I can't talk to her because I'm too shy.
It's like this with everyone. I don't even have any friends because I'm too shy to meet people. And when I talk to girls, I don't get the responses I want because I get too nervous and don't know what to say.
The other day, I ran into the girl from my apartment building. By luck she was waiting for the elevator when I came in and there was no one else around to make me nervous.
She is so beautiful. Seeing my chance, I used one of your tips and started to look at her eyes and try to make eye contact, but she looked to the side so I couldn't even see her face.
When she did this, I got nervous and took the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator with her.
When I read your emails, I get a lot of courage. It took a great deal of daring on my part to even look at the eyes of this girl.
Because I'm too shy to have friends who can help give me advice on this, and because my attempt at meeting this girl went poorly, I'm horribly depressed.
I'm writing to you with a very badly wounded in my heart. Help me! What can I do?
Waiting for your advice...
With regards,
Ray
My Response:
First off, I just want to point out that you are putting WAY too much importance on women.
Way, WAY too much.
It sounds like you are rejecting yourself in your mind before they have a chance to get to know you.
See, for guys who don't know a lot about women, they seem to be something more than just another human being.
They are the source of sexual pleasure.
They are the source of validation.
They are special.
If you have ever had the thought "If only I could get a girl to like me, everything would be different!" ...
Then you have some very unrealistic views about the opposite sex.
Here's the funny thing...
You weren't BORN shy.
Shyness is not an inherited trait.
It's something that is LEARNED.
It's a skill that is DEVELOPED over time.
In short: Shyness is UNNATURAL!
Human beings, by nature, are social creatures. We're raised by parents, have siblings, etc., so it's natural to desire contact with other human beings.
Any feelings that make you act contrary to this desire are contrary to evolution.
They are DANGEROUS!
They are trying to deprive you of a basic human need -- contact with others.
When you fall back on the crutch of being "shy," what you're really doing is training yourself to do something that's inherently HARMFUL to you!
Being afraid of others is the equivalent of having an irrational fear of food. Food is something you NEED to survive! And if you're afraid of it, you're going to suffer.
In this case, if you were dying of hunger because you're afraid of food, would you rather die of starvation, or would you prefer to FORCE yourself to eat, despite the fear, in order to survive?
This is the same dilemma you must face when confronting shyness.
Would you rather suffer emotionally from loneliness and fear?
Or would you rather force yourself through the fear and enjoy human companionship?
I'm hoping you choose to FIGHT the fear.
And I'll help you do it.
Do you want to know the single best way to overcome shyness?
You can do it by simply MEETING PEOPLE.
Keep reading, because I'm going to tell you, step-by-step, what you have to do.
Go out EVERY DAY to meet 10 women. It doesn't matter what they look like, how old they are, whatever, as long as they are WOMEN.
Walk up to them and say:
"Excuse me, can I ask you a question? It will only take a moment."
If they say "No thanks," just shrug it off and say "Well, thanks for your time."
If they say "Yes," respond:
"I need some female advice on something. My little cousin's (or niece, or whatever) birthday is coming up, and I need to get her a gift, but I don't know what little girls would like. Can you give me a recommendation?"
Then when they give you the answer, say:
"Thank you very much. My name is (your name). What's yours?"
When they give you their name, end it with:
"It was a pleasure meeting you (her name). Thanks for the advice."
And then WALK AWAY.
That's right. You don't have to hang around and chit-chat. You can just walk away.
Simple, right?
You might be afraid to do this at first, but just remember that you're only asking them a QUESTION.
Nothing more.
You're not trying to get a phone number or a date. You're just trying to break through your barrier about meeting others.
In short: You're re-training yourself to fight through your shyness!
Do this to 10 women every day. You're not asking them out or anything, you're just asking a question and introducing yourself.
If you keep doing this, you're going to notice a few things:
1. Meeting people isn't scary. In fact, it can be rather fun!
2. Most people will want to be engaged in conversation, and may even ask you questions or try to engage you in a conversation in return.
3. The people who don't want to talk to you aren't worth your time. It's the ones who DO want to talk to you who are worth while.
Wishing you success,
Joseph Matthews
