posted 02-04-2002 01:05 AM            

Women want to know that you are both able to listen to and understand them. Asking follow up questions, questions that stem from their answers and the current subject of conversation, mostly demonstrates that you�ve been listening to them but does not show that you fully understand and relate to what they�ve said.

A strong personal connection cannot be established by simply asking questions, you need to also utilize tactics that make the conversation exciting, dynamic, and unpredictable, while remaining in control at all times. A great way to do this is to employ techniques that demonstrate that you can understand and relate to them.

Basic Paraphrasing and Word Substitution:

You�ve asked about her work:
Her: I�m a part-time waitress at Denny�s.

Basic listening:
1. �Which one?�- Since it has multiple locations.

2. �Where�s it at?�- If it were a place you never heard about.

3. �How long have you been working there?�- You�d say something unrelated to its location if it were a place you already knew about.

These types of questions are acceptable but all they show are basic listening skills and have a tendency to lead to unoriginal conversation.

Both listening and understanding:
1. �Which Denny�s?�

2. �Where�s <name of place> at?�

3. �How long have you been a waitress at <name of place>?�

In examples 1 and 2, the substitution of a single word is all that�s needed to give it a greater psychological effect. Example 3 is slightly different; he not only substitutes a more effective word to refer to the location, but he also adds/substitutes in the word �waitress� to show that he�s relating to her situation. As you can see, paraphrasing can be as easy as incorporating one of her words into whatever you decide to say.

Integrating Paraphrasing, Word Substitution, Experience and Preference Relating, and Delayed follow up Questioning:

In the next example, the paraphrasing is a little more complex and it uses a combination of word substitution, experience relating, preference relating, and delayed follow-up questioning to further strengthen the connection.

You�ve asked her what she did last summer:

Her: I went to France for a month.
You: How was it over in France?
Her: I liked it. I visited some of my relatives in Paris.
You: I haven�t been to Paris yet. I wonder if I�d like it there �(she might interject with �you�d like it, it�s nice there�)...how often do you visit your relatives over there?

1) Words used in Substitution:
�France�, �Paris�, �Visit�, �Relatives�� - (demonstrates listening, basic paraphrasing and superficial understanding).

2) Experience Relating:
�I haven�t been to Paris yet�� - (demonstrates listening and understanding)

3) Preference Relating:
�I wonder if I�d like it there �� - (demonstrates listening and understanding)

4) Delayed Follow-Up Questioning:
��how often do you visit your relatives over there?�� - (demonstrates basic listening and paraphrasing)

The key to this tactic is instead of immediately asking a question related to her answer, you relate with her through experience and/or preference, and then finish the statement with a follow-up question.

This provides more depth to the conversation and shows that your conversation skills operate on more than one cylinder. It�s also a great way to avoid falling into an �interview� type of conversation while still demonstrating that you have the skills to pick up on whatever information she decides to give you.

Notes�

If she were to only say �I liked it� and not mention that she went to Paris to visit some relatives or anything else, you would still be able to apply the same tactics. You would say, �I haven�t been to France yet. I wonder if I�d like it there �what things did you do over there?�

Remember that if the sample situation doesn�t apply to you, you can easily switch up a few words. For example, some might have said, �I went to Pairs once. It was nice� how often do you visit your relatives over there?�

In sum, not only are these tactics great ingredients for a conversation, they also allow for increased opportunities to incorporate a variety of other conversational techniques that contribute to the overall liveliness.

Once you develop the skill to manipulate the conversation in this manner, it won�t matter what she says or how much she says initially because you�ll be able to pick up on and paraphrase anything.

Bear in mind that just like many other conversational techniques, the situation has to call for the use of them. Make sure to practice the tactics until you don�t have to force the use of any one of them. Once your skills have been polished, you should be able to effortlessly identify the appropriate situations for their use and be able to use the techniques to your advantage.

posted 02-04-2002 02:43 AM            

her: "My favorate food is pizza"
you: "Your favorate food is pizza? I love pizza"

her: "I like to swim in that lake"
you: *thinking* "You like to swim in the lake... Which lake do you mean?"

You can even just repeat exactly what she says without rephrasing and it won't seem awkward if the pace of the conversation is fast enough.

you: "What do you like about amusement parks?"
her: "Rollercoasters are fun"
you: "Rollercoasters are fun. What else do you like about amusement parks?"