posted 05-12-2001 01:17 AM            

Women are taught to believe that: (1) they have the right to keep their options open for as long as they want (i.e., no one can force them to decide); (2) they have the sole right to choose (you have nothing to say about it); and (3) they have the right to change their minds at any time (the so-called "women's perogative," without any repercussions). I'm sure many women would disagree with one or more of these generalized beliefs, but to paraphrase numerous postings on this board, pay attention to how a woman behaves, not what she says (or types).

I'm not advocating any attempt to change in these beliefs � to try doing so would be futile. On the contrary, you need to change how you react to a woman's behavior based on any (or all) of these beliefs.

1. The right to keep her options open.

Single women, particularly those in their early to mid-twenties, want to "play." They are out from under the thumb of mommy and daddy (particularly daddy), they are out of the coocoon of college, and have some means of independent financial support (with the attendant disposable income that comes along with it). These women have no desire to "settle down" with a single guy, and operate under the belief that they have several years before they have to make a decision. You are simply one guy out of many from which she has to choose. She may focus on you for a time, but after she has "experienced" you, will either dispose of you or attempt to back-burner you while she experiences other guys. The fact that she may have had sex with you is of no importance. Once again, I'm sure many women will disagree with me, saying that a woman giving herself physically to a man is the greatest gift she can give � if this is true, then why do so many women sleep around? Suffice it to say, she believes that what she has given to you, she can take away at her whim and give to another guy, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Your reaction to this behavior should be to limit her choices in a subtle manner. For example, if you are seeing her more than 3 times a week (and possibly having sex with her that many times a week as well), she is likely to believe that you will always be available, even if she doesn't have sex with you the next time she sees you (she thinks you will stay based on the hope of getting sex). Begin by cutting back the number of times you see her � choose to make yourself unavailable. If she wants to get together, but won't make up her mind when or where, give her a firm deadline. Be prepared, she will try to make you stay available on her schedule (i.e. she will make excuses, whine, complain, cry, try kino, etc...) No matter what she tries, however, you must be the one to limit yourself as an available choice. She will not be motivated to make a decision unless the there is a threat that you will be unavailable as a choice.

2. The sole right to choose

Once again, women, even married ones, think that they have sole control over their lives. When choices are taken away by someone else, however, they quickly learn that they do not have control. This sense of being out of control puts them off-balance, causes emotional mood swings, and creates frustration. The fact that she had sex with you (once or numerous times) is never any guaranty that she will again. However, if you gave her something during sex (i.e. an orgasm � whichever way), that is not something she is guaranteed to receive from sex with another guy.

Your reaction to this behavior is to choose for her, without telling her that she never had any choice. For example, you ask a girl out, and she thinks she has the choice whether, where and when to go out with you. As to the whether choice, she's right, but that's all. You, however, have already thought about where and when. While being flexible in scheduling a date is admirable, her schedule should not dictate yours. That is, if you want to go to dinner at a particular restaurant on a night that you are available, then that is the choice you give her � she can either take it or leave it. If she leaves it, you are in no different of a position than you were before. If she accepts, you must not change the time unless her schedule coincides with yours. If it doesn't, tell her it doesn't, and she's left with a choice. She can change her schedule to go out with you when and where you want, or she is left with nothing. Faced with this "choice," women with a high interest level will "choose" to go out with you on your terms.

3. The right to change her mind.

This belief is a doozy. It is often seen being used in tandem with the first belief, namely, a woman "changes her mind" to "keep her options open." Alternatively, it can also serve to shift the blame for a bad decision. Women don't like to admit they made a mistake. For example, you and a woman start dating, and she sleeps with you within the first week or so. Upon further reflection, and after talking to one or more of her girlfriends, she decides that she slept with you too soon, and wants to "take things slow." She believes that she has this right � what she gave you, she can take away -- without any repercussions. Thereafter, she starts to focus very closely on how you treat her (i.e. romantically) to determine whether she made the right decision whether to sleep with you. Obviously, if you don't measure up (and it is likely that you won't), she can blame you, claiming that you misled her and didn't turn out to be her Mr. Right.

Your reaction to this behavior is to force her to stick to her decision, without making it apparent that you are doing so. Do not, under any circumstances, indicate that you will tolerate her going back on her choice. The minute she made a choice that involved you (i.e. got into a relationship, slept with you, etc...) it stopped being her choice to rescind. Put another way, if she chose to get into a relationship with you, the attempt to change her mind will affect you (i.e. she will break your heart). While you can't force her to continue loving you, she needs to understand that changing her mind carries with it certain penalties.

For example, you decide to buy a car, and pay whatever the dealer charges. A few months later, you aren't "in love" with the car anymore, and want to return it and get your money back. Will the dealer refund your money in full? Absolutely not. You made a choice to buy the car, and your decision to unload it will cost you a great deal of money. The same goes for women. If she breaks up with you, the "friend" part of the relationship goes as well � you will no longer be there for her (physically, emotionally, or for convenience).

Ultimately, allowing a woman to "have her cake and eat it too" should not be tolerated. She wouldn't tolerate it from you -- why should you tolerate it from her?

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It could happen to you, just like it happened to me, there is simply no immunity, there's no guarantee...

posted 05-12-2001 09:16 AM            

As far as a woman's right to keep her options open. Of course she has that right. If a woman chooses to go with another guy, there is nothing you can do about it. Just the same as if the guy chooses to go with another woman. It's not a matter of a woman has the right to keep her options open, we all have that choice. The important thing is that she knows that you also reserve that right and are willing to implement it. Just as the guy must give the woman a reason to stay interested, the woman must also give the man a reason. And she must understand this. I personally will see a woman as much or as little as I wish. And she will know that her behavior dictates my desire to see her. The important thing, as stated so many times in posts here, is that she doesn't control my life, she is not the sole reason for my being. If she wants to leave, fine. I have no interest in one that doesn't want to be there and she will not be pursued. Just refuse to play that game.

Second, as far as the woman having sole control of her life, of course she has. Just as you have sole control of yours. I agree with what Sting said, though, make sure that she understands that decisions always have rewards and consequences, and that whatever she decides will not dictate your behavior.

Finally, I submit that a woman may "sleep" with a man too soon. It happens. But, it happens both ways. I know I have slept with a woman too soon in a relationship, and the aftermath wasn't worth it.

The point being, women can keep their options open, have the sole right to chose and have the right to change their minds. The important thing is that the woman understand that you also have those rights and not only are willing, but have the self respect to exercise them. All actions have rewards and consequences. If you insure that she understands that, then she can not use those techniques to manipulate you.

If the woman is making those choices out of honest concerns, she has that right. But, if you are with a woman who uses those optons to play games, then her choices will cost her. Maintain your self respect, and you won't make a wrong decision.

posted 05-12-2001 11:48 AM            

In either case, it is VERY unwise to ever play by her rules, unless of course you recognize what she is doing and plan on turning the tables eventually.